Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The World's First Decent Artificial Cat Purr


Personally, I set the top slider more toward the sleepy side, and the bottom slider all the way to the right to skip the meowing, and I'm good.

You can almost feel the claws kneading into your thigh.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Sometimes Fun Comes With Alarm Bells

via Basic Instructions

Panel 4 reminds me of the time I went to butterfly exhibit in an enclosed building.

Apparently my blood sugar is high, because butterflies kept landing on me and licking my sweat.

Which sounds creepy in writing, but because a butterfly proboscis is the lightest, featheriest touch in the world, it's actually kinda cute in real life.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Life Advice from a Cartoonist's Daughter

via Stilton's Place:

[I don't want to know how she learned #2]

1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns.

2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.

3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going to be when the lights go out.

4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal.

5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news.

6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts.

7. Understand personal finance.

8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.

9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you. My personal zen-like phrase is "be the rock in the river."

10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper.

11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.

12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.

13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.

14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.

15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism.

16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily offended.

17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you, Camelot.

18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane.

19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone.

20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns. Keep them close and cherish them.

21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to go with it.

22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw french fries at me. ONCE.

23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this.

24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job satisfaction.

25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a recipe for disaster.

26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for everyone.

27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival Overture by Brahms.

28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind.

29. Life doesn't owe you a thing.

30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little different - it reminds you that your life is yours. So yeah, I am going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!

Saturday, April 28, 2018

I Have My Own Definition of Friendship

The New York Times, among other characteristics, notes that friendship means "having a common enemy".

Personally, I define a "friend" as "an acquaintance with whom you share a secret".

Not sure what the dictionary definition is.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

It's Not the Time Together, It's the Commitment to the Time Together

Regarding the Atlantic's "Mormons’ Weekly Family Ritual Is an Antidote to Fast-Paced Living", I notice that they see the effect, but miss the cause.

Yes, family time is beneficial, and any family that practiced it weekly would grow closer.

The thing is, there's ALWAYS a reason to skip Family Home Evening. It's always a pain to gather everyone in the same room for an event that doesn't revolve around a video screen. Everyone is always tired, or hungry, or busy, or not in the mood. Nobody really feels like doing it... until they start doing it.

It's just so much easier not to do it, that I can't imagine a family that hasn't been commanded to do it by someone they trust and respect (like the leaders of the church they attend every week), would ever have the commitment and determination to do it when its hard and uncomfortable.

Which it is every single week.

Maybe the authors of the article should attend a few Latter Day Saint church services and figure out the REAL reason people believe it's worth the effort.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Document It or Experience It - Pick One

via Mental Floss

Want to Remember Your Vacation? Take Fewer Photos

My opinion - sunsets never look as good in pictures because it's the panoramic experience of them filling your vision that makes you tingle.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Lessons From the Big Screen

(As told to me by my blogless brother Tom)

My rules for surviving in a horror movie:

1. Always have a good flash light with a freshly charged battery or two.
2. Always have a gun and several spare magazines.
3. Never go into the basement in your underwear when you hear a strange sound and the light isn't working.
4. When in doubt, always empty the magazine into the monster's head BEFORE you chop it off and bury it in a 20'
deep hole and fill it with concrete... on holy ground.
5. Finally ALWAYS look In the back seat BEFORE you get into a car.

(With thanks to every 80's horror movie ever)