Hey! I Think My Cats Wrote a Book

I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

D-Day +69

[Originally posted 2004 as part of the MilBlogs And Friends Special Edition of the Sixtieth Anniversary of D-Day. Please click the link to see the excellent work done by the other participants]

(click to enlarge)


When over 100,000 men hit the beaches of France 65 years ago, they were well-prepared. They had training, they had practice, they had equipment, and they had their mission.

They also had the right attitude. They were landing on these beaches, not to catch a bare toe-hold in the sand, but to begin a push that wouldn't end until they marched down the streets of Berlin and looked Hitler right in the eye.

But if they saw him, they wouldn't see Hitler as we see him today - a legendary figure of personified evil and a demi-god of power and malice.

Not hardly.

To the troops coming off the boat, he was nothing but a spastic, greasy-haired, one-balled, lunatic Austrian paper-hanger with a bad mustache.

Because back during the early 40's, Americans didn't fear their enemies. They made fun of them.

Why?

Dictators HATE being made fun of. Hitler even made it a crime to tell anti-Nazi jokes. So if you were caught saying something like:

Hitler and his chauffeur are whizzing along a country road when a pig rushes out and is hit by their car. Spotting a nearby farm house, the chauffeur is sent up to inform the occupants of the demise of their animal. He returns with an armload of food and wine. Hitler is amazed.

"Why did they give you that?"

"I do not know. All I did was knock on the door and say I am Hitler's chauffeur and I killed the pig."

or

Hitler asked his astrologer on what day he would die.

"On a Jewish holiday," the astrologer replied.

"But which holiday?"

"Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

or

There are two kinds of Aryans: non-Aryans and barb-Aryans

or

A fatally wounded German soldier asked his chaplain to grant one final wish. "Place a picture of Hitler on one side of me, and a picture of Goering on the other side. That way I can die like Jesus, between two thieves."

or

Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans.

"Heil Hitler," shouted one child.

"Very good," said Goebbels.

"Deutschland Uber alles," another called out.

"Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?"

A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded.

"Our people shall live forever," the little boy said.

"Wonderful," exclaimed Goebbels. "What is your name, young man?"

"Israel Goldberg."

or

"What is the difference between an Nazi and a dog? A Nazi lifts his arm."

or

A German father instructing his son on how to say grace.

"From now on you must thank God and Hitler when you pray," says dad.

"But what happens if Hitler dies?" the boy asks.

"Then you just thank God."

The consequences would be dire.

But in America, it was an industry.

Warner Brothers studios put out several classics cartoons mocking this failed house-painter and part-time goose-stepper, including: Herr Meets Hare, The Ducktators, Daffy - The Commando, and Scrap Happy Daffy.

Disney got into the act with Der Fuehrer's Face and Education for Death.

Popeye took a whack with Seein' Red, White & Blue and Spinach Fer Britain.

And did you think that Dr. Seuss just wrote quaint little children's books? You might be surprised to learn that he did a large number of political cartoons during the war. Like the one at the top of this entry.

And let's not forget about Jack Benny in "To Be Or Not To Be".

Or Charlie Chaplin in "The Great Dictator".

And if you're in a singin' mood, there's always Spike Jones' rendition of "Der Fuehrer's Face" (full mp3 available free here).

Now, I'm not saying that a few cartoons and a sprightly war ditty made all the difference on the beaches of Normandy, but I would feel safe in saying that when you've been mocking that "paper hanging son-of-a-bitch" instead of fearing him, it makes finally taking that piss in the Rhine river all the sweeter.

Of course, things are a little different today. The major Hollywood studios don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, so they're out of the precision guided humor business.

Fortunately for us, however, there are those who have not forgotten the lesson, and spare no effort in reminding the public that even though we may have to fight our enemies seriously, we don't have to waste time taking them seriously.

The 80s-est Thing I've Ever Seen

This is why I've repressed all my memories for that entire decade:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #592,460)

The Spanish may have just beaten the Japanese for "weirdest thing ever".

5 Minute Corn on the Cob

This video is 43 seconds too long, so just start at that point.

[YouTube direct link]

TEXT VERSION.

Put unshucked corn on the cob in the microwave for 5 minutes.

Cut off the end where the leaves attach.

Grab the other end and squeeze the ear of corn out.

Eat.

Yum!

Why Men Dread Talking to Women

[via American Digest]


[Vimeo direct link]

Still in the Testing Phase

My cats seem to prefer being petted backwards (tail to head).

Is this normal, or are my cats just really weird?

Help me do some research on this.

Forget "Click It or Ticket" - THIS Is Why You Should Wear a Seat Belt

Not a scratch, not a bump, not a bruise. Just walking away from the scene making casual conversation:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #101,937)

Cue Defiance

Got this email from ThinkGeek.com:

In case you're not aware, we have decided to publicly announce our participation in a recall for Buckyballs and Buckycubes along with several other retailers. We chose to participate because of the recent actions and findings of the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), which found that ingestion of Buckyballs and Buckycubes can result in serious internal injuries that can lead to death if left untreated. Unfortunately, at this time, the number of incidents causing injuries continues to rise.

We are emailing you today because you've purchased Buckyballs and Buckycubes from us in the past, so we'd like to offer you ThinkGeek credit towards a future purchase.

First, let me offer a rude gesture or two to the busybodies at the CPSC.

Sorry fellas, Buckyballs are a ton of fun, I'm an adult whose smart enough not to eat them, and you can have my Buckyballs when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

My thanks to Og:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,755,102)

Surprising

I find that, after buying a sewing machine, I have a lot less time for blogging.

Funny how adding one little thing to your life can cause so many changes.

Hey! I Remember That Movie!

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #97,104)

To All My Female Friends With Body Image Issues

Barbie is a lie, and you clean up just as good as she does:

Man Rules

(Via Freedom Is Just Another Word)
_______________

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
_______________

Two addendums

1. I am in shape, and that shape is not round.

1. A good woman would be so grateful that I was being honest with her that she wouldn't want me to sleep on the couch. Probably wouldn't even want me sleeping...

Exactly

From IMAO:

I'd say I love writing, but it's truer to say I love sharing the things I think up and writing is the price I'm willing to pay to do that.

Seize the Luck

From According to Hoyt:

So - supposing you want to get somewhere - if planning doesn't work, how do you get where you want to go?

Why… by accident. Or not. It's more like Zen archery. You don't aim, but you know where the target is, and you stay lose, and you intend to reach it. And then, instead of planning how to get there, you stay alert for possible opportunities to get where you want to go. See an opportunity to work at something you always wanted to? Give it a chance. See something that needs doing and doesn't pay? Try it. Who knows? It might start to pay suddenly. Stay open to chaos and make use of it.