Monday, September 5, 2011

Live Like Gwyn - on the Cheap

Apparently "GOOP" is Gwyneth Paltrow's "weekly-ish newsletter that dispenses droplets of wisdom on how to eat, exercise, organize, and generally, be like her."

A blogger at ABC News took exception (and rightly so) to Paltry's tone-deaf let-them-eat-cake advice to the little people. Normally I'd join in on the Gwyn-bashing, but - just for fun - I figured out how a normal woman could live like Gwyneth Paltrow without telling lies to a camera for a living, marrying rich, or spending a ton of money [my advice in bold]:

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Below, an approximate breakdown of how much it would cost to follow some of the life advice listed in the latest installment of GOOP:

"I've found that having a trainer come to my house on a Monday really motivates me -- she's knocking at the front door so going back to sleep is NOT an option." Average cost of an hour-long session with a personal trainer, according to the National Board of Fitness Examiners: $60 to $70.
Alarm clock - $10

"When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever, the coffee machine said "ERROR 8" and wouldn't let me make the cup I had been dreaming about. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning's coffee?" Cost of the Jura Capresso Impressa Z5 Espresso & Coffee Maker, which is prone to flashing "ERROR 8:" $2,300.
Mr. Coffee 12-cup - $17

"I'm currently obsessed with the Tracy Anderson Method and do the Perfect Design DVD three times a week. I even take the DVD traveling!" Cost of the Perfect Design DVD set: $79.95.
Pop in one of your old Madonna cassettes and dance around like you did when you were 17 until it's done. - Free

"I bring my iPad and use the Flipboard app to curate my social media (Facebook, Twitter and categories that are important to me: business, technology, style, design, fashion)." Cost of an iPad: $499 to $829.
Turn off your computer and read a book - Free (from the library)

"I have acupuncture at 9.30pm at night. It's a wonderful end of the day." Average cost of an acupuncture treatment, according to the Society for Acupuncture Research: $60 to $100.
Scatter thumbtacks on the floor. Lay down on them - $2

"If I'm really in a rush I have a Shaklee vanilla shake." Cost of Shaklee's vanilla shake mix: $57.55.
Leave a 5-quart bucket of store-brand vanilla ice cream out on the counter. Wait. Drink goop - $5

"A great time saver is to have a weekly blowout. This means that you don't need to wash your hair each day -- the time that you save with a blowout can save you minutes in the morning." Average cost of a blowout in New York City: $60.
Don't wash your hair, make a face in the mirror, put your hair in a ponytail & call it good - Free (use rubber band stolen from work)

"I was given an amazing present of a makeup lesson with Wallet Lubrich. She taught me how to do my daily makeup in 5 minutes. No joke, I can dress, do my make up and be out the door in 15 minutes." Average cost of a lesson from a makeup expert in New York City: $100.
Leave several of the top buttons open on your blouse. Now no one will notice your makeup - Free.

"Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2." Average cost of an hour-long session with a celebrity stylist: $200.
Try something on, ask your man if it makes you look fat, believe him when he says "no" - Free.

Estimated average cost for a portion of the GOOP life: $3,606.50.

Budget Paltrow: $34

You're welcome.

3 comments:

  1. "Scatter thumbtacks on the floor. Lay down on them" - Priceless

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  2. I have to admit liking Paltrow as an actress, but she's the perfect example of the cocooned, pampered, detached from reality rich celebrity whose grasp on reality is a bit...tenuous.

    I heard her complain once that people were mocking her for the overpriced stuff she mentions in Goop. She seemed very upset. It only made me want to mock her more.

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  3. Ah... the positive feedback loop of celebrity whining and public disdain.

    Right there with you.

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