Monday, September 5, 2011

Live Like Gwyn - on the Cheap

Apparently "GOOP" is Gwyneth Paltrow's "weekly-ish newsletter that dispenses droplets of wisdom on how to eat, exercise, organize, and generally, be like her."

A blogger at ABC News took exception (and rightly so) to Paltry's tone-deaf let-them-eat-cake advice to the little people. Normally I'd join in on the Gwyn-bashing, but - just for fun - I figured out how a normal woman could live like Gwyneth Paltrow without telling lies to a camera for a living, marrying rich, or spending a ton of money [my advice in bold]:


Below, an approximate breakdown of how much it would cost to follow some of the life advice listed in the latest installment of GOOP:

"I've found that having a trainer come to my house on a Monday really motivates me -- she's knocking at the front door so going back to sleep is NOT an option." Average cost of an hour-long session with a personal trainer, according to the National Board of Fitness Examiners: $60 to $70.
Alarm clock - $10

"When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever, the coffee machine said "ERROR 8" and wouldn't let me make the cup I had been dreaming about. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning's coffee?" Cost of the Jura Capresso Impressa Z5 Espresso & Coffee Maker, which is prone to flashing "ERROR 8:" $2,300.
Mr. Coffee 12-cup - $17

"I'm currently obsessed with the Tracy Anderson Method and do the Perfect Design DVD three times a week. I even take the DVD traveling!" Cost of the Perfect Design DVD set: $79.95.
Pop in one of your old Madonna cassettes and dance around like you did when you were 17 until it's done. - Free

"I bring my iPad and use the Flipboard app to curate my social media (Facebook, Twitter and categories that are important to me: business, technology, style, design, fashion)." Cost of an iPad: $499 to $829.
Turn off your computer and read a book - Free (from the library)

"I have acupuncture at 9.30pm at night. It's a wonderful end of the day." Average cost of an acupuncture treatment, according to the Society for Acupuncture Research: $60 to $100.
Scatter thumbtacks on the floor. Lay down on them - $2

"If I'm really in a rush I have a Shaklee vanilla shake." Cost of Shaklee's vanilla shake mix: $57.55.
Leave a 5-quart bucket of store-brand vanilla ice cream out on the counter. Wait. Drink goop - $5

"A great time saver is to have a weekly blowout. This means that you don't need to wash your hair each day -- the time that you save with a blowout can save you minutes in the morning." Average cost of a blowout in New York City: $60.
Don't wash your hair, make a face in the mirror, put your hair in a ponytail & call it good - Free (use rubber band stolen from work)

"I was given an amazing present of a makeup lesson with Wallet Lubrich. She taught me how to do my daily makeup in 5 minutes. No joke, I can dress, do my make up and be out the door in 15 minutes." Average cost of a lesson from a makeup expert in New York City: $100.
Leave several of the top buttons open on your blouse. Now no one will notice your makeup - Free.

"Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2." Average cost of an hour-long session with a celebrity stylist: $200.
Try something on, ask your man if it makes you look fat, believe him when he says "no" - Free.

Estimated average cost for a portion of the GOOP life: $3,606.50.

Budget Paltrow: $34

You're welcome.


  1. "Scatter thumbtacks on the floor. Lay down on them" - Priceless

  2. I have to admit liking Paltrow as an actress, but she's the perfect example of the cocooned, pampered, detached from reality rich celebrity whose grasp on reality is a bit...tenuous.

    I heard her complain once that people were mocking her for the overpriced stuff she mentions in Goop. She seemed very upset. It only made me want to mock her more.

  3. Ah... the positive feedback loop of celebrity whining and public disdain.

    Right there with you.