Friday, April 6, 2012

Obama Dumps High Speed Rail in Favor of High Speed Rotary Phones

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - With his ambitious plans for a nation-wide high-speed rail program continuing to be stymied Republicans refusing to support new investment initiatives, President Obama announced a new program that he hoped to make the centerpiece of his 2012 campaign: high-speed rotary-dial telephones.

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During a Rose Garden press conference, Obama introduced his innovative agenda.

"Since the push-button telephone was invented by Al Gore in 1963, progress in the area of phone number selection systems has completely stagnated," said Obama. "Due to the monopolistic greed of Big Keypad, American are left with no choice in how they select remote communication digits. But this nation must change to embrace the future by letting go of the past to embrace the even more distant past.

"Recently I suggested that our nation's intercontinental train network could be improved by investing hundreds of billions of dollars to make America's trains go a little bit faster than they did in 1962. The visionless Republicans in Congress said 'no way'. That's why I'm now proposing we make America's rotary-dial phones go a little bit faster than they did in 1962."

"New technologies invented by the Dialyndra company can enable us to dial a '9' or '0' in only 2 seconds instead of the 3 seconds it used to take, sharply reducing wasted dialing time and providing the average American up to 10 extra years of free time that they could be better spent with their families, or waiting for medical treatment under Obamacare."

During the question and answer period following the press conference, President Obama suggested that his inevitably successful high-speed rotary-dialing program would likely be followed by other time-saving technology initiatives, such as the 9-track tape and the 34-rpm record.

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