Monday, February 27, 2012

The Greendale Flag and Its Profoundly Inspiring Motto

Assuming you're a fan of "Community" (and you should be, because it's far and away the cleverest show on TV - and the new season begins March 15th), you may be familiar with the Greendale Community College flag:



Obviously the symbol represents the crossroads of ideas, and the motto "E Pluribus Anus" means "from many, a foundation."

Just wanted to point that out, since the show itself doesn't really clarify.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,321)

Oscar Review

If anyone watched the Oscars last night - and I don't know why you would unless you were one of the very lucky folks who were watching the show with me - reporter Nikki Finke of Deadline Hollywood gives a cruelly-accurate live-blogging of the events.

One of my favorite passages, because these exact thoughts were scratching at the back of my head:
Billy Crystal as Coma Woman! Full-on kiss with George Clooney. ABC just lost every Red State viewer and probably won the GOP presidential race for Rick Santorum. Seriously, Academy, you clearly don’t want families to watch, do you?

Nice touch that shtick with Billy Crystal as Sammy Davis Jr. (I forgot he did that impression.) But Crystal’s plastic surgery is so off-putting. His face looks like it was ironed — and I swear I can still see the scorch smarks.

So, if the Oscars made you pained, itchy, uncomfortable, or bored during certain of its long, long hours, you'll want to read the rest, because Nikki probably felt the same way.

Friday, February 24, 2012

...Says the President-Like Man

Obama continues to amaze with his ability to sound like a bumbling dolt:
"We’re making new investments in the development of gasoline, diesel, and jet fuel that’s actually made from a plant-like substance, algae"

So... went to Harvard and thinks algae isn't a plant, but rather a "plant-like substance?"

Imagine if Sarah Palin had said that. Every news network would be spending half their day correcting her.

Still, it gets better:
"If we can figure out how to make energy out of [algae], we'll be doing alright."

Yes, and if you could just "figure out how" to let the government spend a trillion dollars more than it takes in - ad infinitum - without going broke, you'll have that little budget issue licked, too.

Here's a better if - if we can get Obama out of the way so that we can tap America's huge domestic energy supply, we'll be doing all right.

Honestly, an energy plan that rests on a foundation of first discovering a miracle technology isn't a plan, it's just a wish inside a fairy tale.

And I'm sick of kissing Barack the Magic Frog.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

There, I Feel Better Now

It's been insanely warm & dry in Wisconsin this winter. Only had to break out the snowblower twice so far this year, and we've only had a handful of days where the high temp was below 32 degrees (which, in MY mind, is the difference between a good winter day and a bad one).

Just so I don't start taking it all for granted, I fired up a game of "Digger":


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #440,564)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Boggled By Idiom

Once again, Barack Obama proves he has not yet mastered the English language or its idioms.

During a speech in Washington, he bragged about how he helped sell 230 Boeing aircraft to Indonesia.

Weirdly, he throws in this comment:
"I tease Jay every time I see him, I say 'I deserve a gold watch because I'm selling your stuff all the time.'"

Um, Barack... traditionally in America, a gold watch is a parting gift for retirees with decades of loyal service, not a contest prize for the front-line sales force.

Do I even need to ask "what if Bush had said this?"

See Also:

Obama doesn't know the Bible or the Constitution

Obama doesn't know American history.

I Don't Like the Math on This

The scandal in the story is supposed to be that Energy Secretary Chu personally intervened in the loan process in order to help failed-solar-company Solyndra.

Blah blah crony capitalism is evil, whatever.

Further down comes the interesting part:
"Secretary Chu strongly supported Project Amp because it will be the largest rooftop project in U.S. history and is expected to generate enough clean, renewable electricity to power over 88,000 homes while supporting at least a thousand jobs all across the country."

Really? 1000 people to power 88,000 homes? So 1 job to power 88 homes...

Ok, now lets look at the national scene.

There are 400,000 electric power industry workers in the country.

Figure a "home" equals 4 people, in a population of 320 million, equals 80 million "homes" (the census counts 114 million "households," so this is close enough). So 1 job to power 200 homes.

But don't forget those 400,000 also produce electricity for commercial and industrial uses. With a quick eyeballing of this chart, it looks like we should triple the number, so 1 job to power 600 "homes."

So what I get from this story is that solar power is only about 15% as man-hour-efficient as the industry standard, and government propping this sector up is sorta like making farmers plow their fields with swayback mules instead of a tractor, so the government can brag about the health of the "agricultural-production-animal industry."

Green energy: it's still a scam.

Monday, February 20, 2012

It Already Has a Name

Roberta Flack raised some eyebrows by referring to a fist bump as an "Obama bump."

Which I find really offensive.

Because everyone knows that, when Obama does it, it's a "terrorist fist jab."

Get it right, Roberta.

Expensive Summer Gas Courtesy of Uncle Sam

Funny... for years I've been told that gas is more expensive in the summer because of higher demand - folks going on vacation & whatnot.

Turns out that's not exactly the problem [emphasis added].
High oil and gas prices now set the stage for even sharper increases at the pump because gas typically rises in March and April.

Every spring, refiners suspend operations to switch the type of gasoline they make. Supplies of wintertime gas are sold off before March, when refineries need to start making a new formula of gasoline that's required in the summer.

That can mean less supply for service stations, resulting in higher gas prices. And summertime gasoline is more expensive to make. The government mandates that it contain less butane and other cheap organic compounds because they contribute to the formation of ground-level ozone, a primary constituent in smog. That means more oil, a costlier component, is needed to produce each gallon.

Thanks, Big Government Regulatory Juggernaut!

PEBKAC

From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal:



I assume that's a burner phone he's calling from.

[title reference link]

Where the Unemployed Disappear To

I've been hearing that, because of Obama's Great Recession, people "drop out of the workforce" after their 99 weeks of unemployment run out.

Which didn't make any sense to me. I mean, you still gotta eat. How can you just "not look for work anymore"?

Turns out folks are simply switching government handout programs to one that doesn't show up in the "official" unemployment figure: disability.

Are people actually becoming mentally ill from chronic unemployment?

Um... sure, why not.

On the other hand, back when he was a vagabond rock musician, my perfectly sane brother (not the blogless one that comments here occasionally) bragged that he got on disability by claiming that he had "voices in his head."

Yeah, it's that easy.

All it takes is either a complete lack of shame, or a strong enough sense of desperation.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Ok, I'm Just Being Mean

At an upcoming Obama fundraiser, they'll be charging $5000 to get your picture taken with the First Lady.

Seems like a lot, but extra-wide lenses aren't cheap.

One for the Office Drones

If you've ever fantasized about going "Office Space" on the printer at work, I think you'll enjoy this:

Friday, February 17, 2012

But Is It a Good Line?

So Obama's campaign manager retweeted "The chimichanga? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer Latinos."

Yes, the sentiment is the equivalent of "The watermelon? It may be the only thing Republicans have left to offer blacks," so blah blah racism blah blah liberal hypocrisy.

But does it offer any entertainment value?

Well, "chimichanga" is one of those inherently-funny-sounding words (like "underpants" or "Cucamonga"), so it's always good for a schoolboy giggle. However, that's the only level it works at, as the rest of the line has no larger point to make aside from "Republicans stink because they don't give people free stuff," and certainly does not do so in any way that's even remotely clever or witty.

So, not particularly noteworthy. I'd give it a 3 out of 10.

Strangely Prosey

Poet Maya Angelou said of President Obama, "he has done a remarkable job."

Oddly, she did NOT phrase her comments in the form of a poem.

Although considering the fact that she never uses meter or rhyme in any of her work, it's kinda hard to be sure.

Anyway, here's my poetic commentary on Obama:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Can I get an Obamacare
Waiver like you?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sure, I'll Go There

Seriously, they're naming a Navy ship after Gabrielle Giffords.

Is it really a good idea to name a vessel after someone who's had a hole blown in her?

Times Have Changed

Obama now:

"Allowing this tax cut to expire would make people's lives harder right now," Obama said. "It would make their choices more difficult. It would be $40 less for groceries to feed your kids; it would be $40 less for the medications you depend on; $40 less to cover bills and the rent; $40 less to take care of an elder parent, or to donate to a church or a charity.

Obama then:

"We're talking about 5 percent of your total cost of gas that you suspend for three months, which might save you a few hundred bucks that then will spike right up," Obama said.

So... a few hundred bucks = nothing

$40 = everything

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Dig Up, Stupid

Once again mangling idiom in a way no Republican could get away with, Obama writes a citizen [emphasis mine]:
A letter provided to Washington Secrets from Obama to a long-unemployed Portland, Maine carpenter pulls back the curtain of economic hope to reveal the truth about the stagnant economy. "I won't lie to you," Obama penned in hand to Charles Oliver in October. "It will probably take another year or two to fully dig our way out of this hole."

Bravo, President Simpson.


[YouTube direct link]

Thing is, Obama's been using that line for years. So either no one's noticed that - taken literally as an analogy - it's an idiotic and fruitless plan, or Obama knows that it's actually a good description of his plan to spend our way out of debt, uses it deliberately, and laughs to himself every time no one calls him on his honesty.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

How to Avoid Crashing Into People at the Store

You know how it is - you're in a crowded supermarket with narrow aisles, trying not to crash your cart into anyone else's as you weave your way to the back of the store (where they always hide the milk & meat & vegetables).

Then, inevitably, you see someone coming straight for you, they see you, and you both zig in the same direction, followed by an equally awkward zag, then you're both at a dead stop - the ol' Piggly Wiggly Mexican Standoff.

Simple solution: don't look at the other people, look at the gap where you want your cart to go.

People cue off where your eyes are looking to determine your directional intentions. If they see you're looking to the side of them, they'll know you're turning and continue straight instead of feeling the need to swerve to the side to avoid you.

I've been testing this for a while now, and it works so well I no longer even feel the need to schedule all my shopping to avoid the "when the old folks aren't there in droves" hours.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Vasquez Was an Exception (and a Fictional Character)

From the Washington Times story on the Pentagon's decision to maintain the ban on women in combat:
"The current standards that exist for infantry, all men cannot meet those standards," [deputy undersecretary for military personnel policy Vee Penrod] said. "If the majority of women cannot serve in that [mission occupational specialty], the service secretary may restrict that [specialty]. That is with the Army."

Asked how the military knows women can't meet the standards without letting them try...

Answer: because there are no co-ed professional sports teams.

Sorry, PC social-experimenters, adding women doesn't make a group of men better at accomplishing tasks that revolve around strength and endurance.

[Title reference link]

Pushing Roses Down a Dark Path

So, what's the next step down the sinister, slippery slope of crocheted chicken hats?

Vikings & Dwarves.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Exceptional

From US News:
If the amount of ice lost between 2003 and 2010 covered the United States, the whole country would be under one-and-a-half feet of water, or it'd fill Lake Erie eight times, researchers say. Ocean levels worldwide are rising about six hundredths of an inch per year.

So... global warming alarmists want us to be concerned that this rising-water trend is a linear event, instead of a cyclical phase - unlike every single climate-related event in the history of the planet.

These jokers crack me up.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

42 Saint Bernards

Curse you, Stephen King, for making it impossible to watch this video without an uneasy twitch in my gut:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #561,500)

If you're NOT a Stephen King reader, enjoy the cute & drooly goodness.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Who's On First: Mitt & Newt

It's so easy to do mashups like this poorly, but the attention to detail makes this worth sharing.

Having seen Abbott & Costello do this routine a few times, I'd say the gestures are just about right, too.

[link courtesy of Bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks]:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #135,055)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Why I Won't Get a Tablet (UPDATED: 2-12-12)

Full disclosure. I have a Kindle Touch, and I like it. But only because the only touching I have to do is a finger-motion very similar to turning the page in a book. Which is fine, because I got the Kindle specifically to save me the trouble of carrying large books around with me. It does this.

The reason I won't get a tablet is that touchscreen keyboards are impossible to use efficiently by a person trained (as I am) to type on a full-sized keyboard.

Yes, I've had people tell me they can do 20 wpm with hunt & peck, which is nice, but I do 50+ with a real keyboard, and I can't fathom downgrading that far, considering my very existence on this blog revolves around textual loquacity.

There is an excellent discussion on the problems with touchscreen typing at Tablet PC Review.

Short version: you can't rest your fingers on the keyboard, and you can't type a letter with your fingernail, not to mention lack of tactile & audio feedback.

Yes, I know I could get a tablet, then plug a keyboard into it, but then I might as well use a laptop.

Which I do.

And barring the invention of the "Holodeck 3D Reality Keyboard," probably always will.

UPDATE: Spockgirl offers a brilliant perspective on the deeper meaning of touchscreen technology

Friday, February 3, 2012

How About the Rest of the Chapter?

Obama defends Obamacare with Proverbs 31:8 (NIV):
"It's ... about the biblical call to care for the least of these, for the poor, for those at the margins of our society," Obama said on Thursday. "To answer the responsibility we're given in Proverbs to 'speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.'"

I respond with Proverbs 31:4 & 5:



Put down the glass and pick up the Constitution, Barack.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Solving the Puzzle

Thousands of gun owners have pledged their participation, promising to spend a $2 bill at Starbucks to show their support for the company's common sense position [of allowing concealed carry weapons on premises]. The $2 question: should the TJ go in the barristas' tip jar or should we use it to pay for the coffee? Your thoughts?

Simple.

Stamp the $2 bill as seen below:



Then pick either option.

How to Take Things Out of Context

Here's a headline for you:
Kansas GOP House Speaker 'Prays' That Obama's 'Children Be Fatherless And His Wife A Widow'

Yes, that's a lie.

The accused man referred to Psalm 109:8:
"Let his days be few; and let another take his office "

The rabble-rousers at ThinkProgress, however, get their headline by quoting verses 9-12.

Which he didn't reference.

By the way, the 109:8 thing is NOT (as liberals will have you believe) unique to Obama. It's previously been quoted in reference to George W. Bush as early as 2004.

Finally, there's also a complaint that this same Republican forwarded a picture comparing Michelle to the Grinch and calling her Mrs. YoMama.

As a professional humorist, I've got two things to say about that.

"Mrs. YoMama" isn't particularly funny or clever. It sort of rhymes, and references a stereotypical black catchphrase, so it's comprehensible as an amateur's stab at humor, but it's just so random and clumsy that it doesn't work. It's as feeble as calling Barack "Dumbobama" because he has big ears. Doubly clumsy because Michelle IS a mama, and "yo mama" jokes are the province of black males insulting each other, not black women.

On the other hand, the Grinch reference is a fair cop:



As a purely visual gag, it works perfectly.

Eat the Romney Sandwich?

Fine, if that Republican Kennedy gets the GOP nod, I won't pout & stay home.

I'll go vote to re-elect Paul Ryan (and whatever Republican is running against that vile weasel Herb Kohl) & leave the Presidential spot blank.

Might even vote Obama out of spite, but I haven't decided yet.