Monday, March 4, 2013

New Record for Worst Show Ever

History Channel's "Vikings".

I heard the hype - "It's 'Game of Thrones' with horned helmets" - and I was looking forward to this.

2 minutes in, I'm done.

A battlefield... with 4 living people left on it. So... something really exciting happened here, and we missed it all.

OO! But a fight!... um... they're still fighting... still fighting... (in Game of Thrones or 300, warriors kill quickly because they know how to fight. Clashing swords is for Errol Flynn movies).

OO! The hero's sword broke.

His friend on the battlefield yells his name from twenty feet away and tosses him another weapon which he catches deftly. Amazingly, Ragnar doesn't get killed while he's busy focusing on catching the weapon instead of focusing on his opponent.

Ragnar wins! (FINALLY!)

Friend of Ragnar sees an enemy running away, grabs a random spear, hurls it, and perfectly impales a moving target 30 yards away like some sort of Dark Ages Brett Favre.

Then a gratuitous shot of a crow picking at a dead guy.

Then some allegorical Death figure wanders the battlefield, grabs a body, and ascends to heaven. I think Ragnar whispered "Odin", but he didn't enunciate, so I'm just guessing based on my knowledge of Norse mythology. Which I don't think includes Odin as collector of battlefield dead anywhere in it.

So, after 2 minutes, we've had two words of dialogue, only know one of the two character's names, don't know why they're there, what they were fighting about, or why I'm supposed to care about these two guys.

Sorry, History Channel - stick to making substandard, factually-suspect documentaries. You stink at scripted drama.

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